April 22th, 2011
Well... Me and the Tumbleweed were together a grand total of three months. Then he dumped me the one time I cried in front of him... Over Facebook... That was three weeks ago and I'm still completely torn up... I can't even sleep in my own bed yet... As pathetic as that sounds... But every three or four days he's popped back up to say hi.... I told him three days ago that I didn't want to talk to him... He didn't get it and tonight tried talking to me again. He brought up some really horrilbe stuff that I'll probably vent about later.... But before he went to bed (Facebook chat. Lovely) I told him that I was going to write him a rant.... So I did.
Dear *Tumbleweed*,
It's so much easier for me to say things in a letter for some reason... And here I go... I told you three days ago that I didn't want to hear from you unless you were saying sorry or something equally important... And that was the honest truth. It's not fair to keep popping back up into my life just when I'm beginning to think I'm okay.
You were the first guy that I had ever dated because I actually liked you, and not just because all my friends did... Actually all my friends either hated you or hated the idea that me and you were together. They hated the fact that you had already screwed me over... What is it? ... 5 times now? Give or take. And each time you came back saying you were sorry and you wanted to try again... And I was so excited to be wanted and admired that I just went with it... No one had ever made me feel pretty before... And plus I really liked you...
You keep saying I should be mad and hate you... But I CAN'T. Not that I don't want to... Trust me. I want to. But I refuse to be that person. But I also refuse to talk to you like we were never together and that you never said you loved me. It's sad to think about what a fickle person you really are.
You asked me for so much... You asked for my patience and for me to stick around while you were making up your mind. And I stuck around because I liked you, even though I knew it would probably end badly. You asked for my trust... And I gave you all of mine... I've always had huge trust issues with guys so that was really big for me... Not to mention difficult... You asked me for my virginity... And I gave that to you too... I even got the stupid Implanon implanted so you didn't have to use a stupid condom. That was huge to me... To give you all my innocence was no little demonstration of my trust in you...
I realise I didn't have to give any of that if I didn't want to... And I wanted to... Because I did trust you... And it's going to be difficult to recover from all that being thrown back into my face. I thought of you as not only my boyfriend but also as a friend... And friends don't treat friends the way you treated me... And I'm mostly talking about the stuff that happened during our relationship: Breaking me down, making me jealous on purpose, making me angry on purpose... And for the most part I let it slide because I knew that it was difficult for you sometimes and I respected that... And you know what's really weird? I keep having these dreams that we talk... But it's always through text message or facebook... Just goes to show how functional we really were, huh?
And honestly, as hurt and dissappointed in you as I am, I'm relieved. I knew that you were bad for me... I knew that you could never give me what I needed and wanted... Mostly that being: love, security, trust, respect and fidelity. But I ignored whatever little voice in my head that was telling me that... I was ready to love someone. And I did, unfortunately.
I'm not saying I regret anything. If anything, I learned from you. I learned not to settle for something that I know isn't okay... I learned that not everyone who I put my trust in can actually be trusted... I learned never to change myself for anyone, because if someone can't handle me, then that's their problem. Not mine.
And this is the difficult part for me... I know I promised I'd always be there when you needed me... And I meant that. But you DON'T need me. And you've made that clear. And this time I refuse to be walked on. I refuse to wait around and pine after you anymore. I'm standing up for myself for once: I don't want to hear from you unless you have something important to say. I don't want to hear anything about what happened between me or you in bed. I don't want to hear that you think I'm a "cool person." I don't want to hear it. And this really bites, because I'll really miss talking to you because I counted on you as someone I could talk to...
And you know what's sad? I would still want to try again.
*Tumbleweed*, you were a lot of my "firsts".... But you weren't any of my "lasts"... I promise you that.
Dear *Tumbleweed*,
It's so much easier for me to say things in a letter for some reason... And here I go... I told you three days ago that I didn't want to hear from you unless you were saying sorry or something equally important... And that was the honest truth. It's not fair to keep popping back up into my life just when I'm beginning to think I'm okay.
You were the first guy that I had ever dated because I actually liked you, and not just because all my friends did... Actually all my friends either hated you or hated the idea that me and you were together. They hated the fact that you had already screwed me over... What is it? ... 5 times now? Give or take. And each time you came back saying you were sorry and you wanted to try again... And I was so excited to be wanted and admired that I just went with it... No one had ever made me feel pretty before... And plus I really liked you...
You keep saying I should be mad and hate you... But I CAN'T. Not that I don't want to... Trust me. I want to. But I refuse to be that person. But I also refuse to talk to you like we were never together and that you never said you loved me. It's sad to think about what a fickle person you really are.
You asked me for so much... You asked for my patience and for me to stick around while you were making up your mind. And I stuck around because I liked you, even though I knew it would probably end badly. You asked for my trust... And I gave you all of mine... I've always had huge trust issues with guys so that was really big for me... Not to mention difficult... You asked me for my virginity... And I gave that to you too... I even got the stupid Implanon implanted so you didn't have to use a stupid condom. That was huge to me... To give you all my innocence was no little demonstration of my trust in you...
I realise I didn't have to give any of that if I didn't want to... And I wanted to... Because I did trust you... And it's going to be difficult to recover from all that being thrown back into my face. I thought of you as not only my boyfriend but also as a friend... And friends don't treat friends the way you treated me... And I'm mostly talking about the stuff that happened during our relationship: Breaking me down, making me jealous on purpose, making me angry on purpose... And for the most part I let it slide because I knew that it was difficult for you sometimes and I respected that... And you know what's really weird? I keep having these dreams that we talk... But it's always through text message or facebook... Just goes to show how functional we really were, huh?
And honestly, as hurt and dissappointed in you as I am, I'm relieved. I knew that you were bad for me... I knew that you could never give me what I needed and wanted... Mostly that being: love, security, trust, respect and fidelity. But I ignored whatever little voice in my head that was telling me that... I was ready to love someone. And I did, unfortunately.
I'm not saying I regret anything. If anything, I learned from you. I learned not to settle for something that I know isn't okay... I learned that not everyone who I put my trust in can actually be trusted... I learned never to change myself for anyone, because if someone can't handle me, then that's their problem. Not mine.
And this is the difficult part for me... I know I promised I'd always be there when you needed me... And I meant that. But you DON'T need me. And you've made that clear. And this time I refuse to be walked on. I refuse to wait around and pine after you anymore. I'm standing up for myself for once: I don't want to hear from you unless you have something important to say. I don't want to hear anything about what happened between me or you in bed. I don't want to hear that you think I'm a "cool person." I don't want to hear it. And this really bites, because I'll really miss talking to you because I counted on you as someone I could talk to...
And you know what's sad? I would still want to try again.
*Tumbleweed*, you were a lot of my "firsts".... But you weren't any of my "lasts"... I promise you that.