September 8th, 2010
Dear World,
Yuck. What a day to be sick. My head feels like a snot-filled balloon. Pleasant image, I know.
It's days like this where I stay home from school and think to myself, "Yay! I have a day off! I should do something worthwhile!". Then I roll over and go back to sleep.
It's already three O'clock on the afternoon and I have still not moved from my bed. Mostly because I was having funny dreams. Also, standing up makes me dizzy.
I've been thinking a lot about change recently. The changes I had to deal with when my parents divorced... The changes I went through when I stopped home schooling and started public high school... Ever since I turned thirteen, my life has been constant change.
First off, there's the obvious changes: Boobs, periods and unnecessary hair. I was a "late-bloomer" as my mom called it. I called it "boob challenged". I couldn't actually wear a bra until I was almost fourteen. I got my first period around the time I hit 100 lbs. right before my fourteenth birthday. (I was teensy)
Then my parents decided to put me into public school. I had been homeschooled all my life and the only time I ever got out of the house was when we went to church on Sundays. I was so shy! I couldn't talk, I couldn't socialize, I couldn't do sports. I was absolutely terrified.
The summer after freshman year my parents seperated right before my fifteenth birthday. My mom took over my room and lived in there for a whole two months. I slept on the floor in my younger sisters' room across the hall. Some nights, my mom would be on the phone for hours and hours talking to someone she called "baby". It did not sound like she was talking to Dad. I could hear every word and it enraged me. I remember standing in the bathroom in the middle of the night screaming at my reflection, "I hate you! I hate you!".
My mom heard me from down the hall and came to ask me what was wrong. How dare she? SHE was what was wrong! I screamed at her that I knew about the phone calls. I wanted to tell her I hated her, but I wasn't able to.
She looked taken aback. Then she composed herself and calmly told me that it was wrong to eavesdrop. She was talking to a friend, she said. She then continued to lie through her teeth. She told me that this was only temporary, that she and Dad would get back together. Then she hugged me and said goodnight. I laid down on the floor and cried.
Mom moved out a few weeks later. She took almost all the furniture with her. "I found the perfect place!", She said. I knew by then that things were not going to go back to normal. Me and my siblings started moving every week. We would spend one week at Dad's, then one week at Moms. It was stressfull and unfair. None of us had suitcases so we used black garbage bags. At my dad's house, I slept on the floor.
I could talk forever about the massive change divorce was, but I'll save that for another day. The most immiediate change was in me. I was pissed. I made some bad friends and began making really bad choices. I began failing school on purpose. I began to taste my way around alchohol and boys.
It wasn't until I found myself drunk and completly lost at the bottom of my driveway in the beggining of my junior year that I realized I needed help. I saw a bobbing light and my twelve year old sister running down our driveway with a flashlight. Tears were running down her face as she grabbed my arm, walked me home, and tossed me into bed.
I felt horrible. I felt like I had betrayed my sister. I felt like my mom. I started making changes in my life. I cut off all relations with my awful best friend. I stopped hanging out with the stoner kids. I stopped trying to be "cool". I stopped cussing just to sound tough. I stopped dating.
The last choice was really important. My ex-best friend had taught me that boys were the only things that gave a girl her value, and I believed her. I began to realize that that was bull and decided to try and stay single for an entire year.
It was amazing! When I took my focus off of what other people thought, I learned so much about myself and what I could accomplish. I became friends with a really sweet girl who played guitar and realized I loved to sing. I joined an online art community and discovered I loved to draw. I read books. I made friends. I found beauty in myself and other people.
Change is a major part of our lives, but there's two different kinds of change. There's unavoidable change, like parents divorcing, and there's voluntary change, like breaking off bad friendships. How we react to change can change our whole life, for better or for worse. Embrace it.
Love,
Me
Yuck. What a day to be sick. My head feels like a snot-filled balloon. Pleasant image, I know.
It's days like this where I stay home from school and think to myself, "Yay! I have a day off! I should do something worthwhile!". Then I roll over and go back to sleep.
It's already three O'clock on the afternoon and I have still not moved from my bed. Mostly because I was having funny dreams. Also, standing up makes me dizzy.
I've been thinking a lot about change recently. The changes I had to deal with when my parents divorced... The changes I went through when I stopped home schooling and started public high school... Ever since I turned thirteen, my life has been constant change.
First off, there's the obvious changes: Boobs, periods and unnecessary hair. I was a "late-bloomer" as my mom called it. I called it "boob challenged". I couldn't actually wear a bra until I was almost fourteen. I got my first period around the time I hit 100 lbs. right before my fourteenth birthday. (I was teensy)
Then my parents decided to put me into public school. I had been homeschooled all my life and the only time I ever got out of the house was when we went to church on Sundays. I was so shy! I couldn't talk, I couldn't socialize, I couldn't do sports. I was absolutely terrified.
The summer after freshman year my parents seperated right before my fifteenth birthday. My mom took over my room and lived in there for a whole two months. I slept on the floor in my younger sisters' room across the hall. Some nights, my mom would be on the phone for hours and hours talking to someone she called "baby". It did not sound like she was talking to Dad. I could hear every word and it enraged me. I remember standing in the bathroom in the middle of the night screaming at my reflection, "I hate you! I hate you!".
My mom heard me from down the hall and came to ask me what was wrong. How dare she? SHE was what was wrong! I screamed at her that I knew about the phone calls. I wanted to tell her I hated her, but I wasn't able to.
She looked taken aback. Then she composed herself and calmly told me that it was wrong to eavesdrop. She was talking to a friend, she said. She then continued to lie through her teeth. She told me that this was only temporary, that she and Dad would get back together. Then she hugged me and said goodnight. I laid down on the floor and cried.
Mom moved out a few weeks later. She took almost all the furniture with her. "I found the perfect place!", She said. I knew by then that things were not going to go back to normal. Me and my siblings started moving every week. We would spend one week at Dad's, then one week at Moms. It was stressfull and unfair. None of us had suitcases so we used black garbage bags. At my dad's house, I slept on the floor.
I could talk forever about the massive change divorce was, but I'll save that for another day. The most immiediate change was in me. I was pissed. I made some bad friends and began making really bad choices. I began failing school on purpose. I began to taste my way around alchohol and boys.
It wasn't until I found myself drunk and completly lost at the bottom of my driveway in the beggining of my junior year that I realized I needed help. I saw a bobbing light and my twelve year old sister running down our driveway with a flashlight. Tears were running down her face as she grabbed my arm, walked me home, and tossed me into bed.
I felt horrible. I felt like I had betrayed my sister. I felt like my mom. I started making changes in my life. I cut off all relations with my awful best friend. I stopped hanging out with the stoner kids. I stopped trying to be "cool". I stopped cussing just to sound tough. I stopped dating.
The last choice was really important. My ex-best friend had taught me that boys were the only things that gave a girl her value, and I believed her. I began to realize that that was bull and decided to try and stay single for an entire year.
It was amazing! When I took my focus off of what other people thought, I learned so much about myself and what I could accomplish. I became friends with a really sweet girl who played guitar and realized I loved to sing. I joined an online art community and discovered I loved to draw. I read books. I made friends. I found beauty in myself and other people.
Change is a major part of our lives, but there's two different kinds of change. There's unavoidable change, like parents divorcing, and there's voluntary change, like breaking off bad friendships. How we react to change can change our whole life, for better or for worse. Embrace it.
Love,
Me
