November 23rd, 2010
Dear World,
I can't really decide if my life has become better since I started with this Tumbleweed guy or if it's become just a big ol' drama-fest... I can't really decide if I can deal with all the girls I know he's dated and still talks to... I can't decide whether or not I actually want to deal with him and his past...
Sure, I like him a lot. That's what scares me. I'm not sure if he's worth it and I really don't want to get hurt over someone who's not worth the pain.
I'm constantly waiting by my phone for him to text me, or I'm on Facebook waiting for his little green "Online" blip to come on. There isn't one hour of the day he's NOT running around in my head. It's exhausting and I hate it.
Then, there's the girls. Ohmygourd, there's the girls. He came over to see me a couple nights ago and his ex texted him. This ex is the same exact girl whom he dated for two months after trying to kiss me that one day. I was a little hurt. He didn't text her while he was at my house, but I was still not very happy about it. I didn't mention it to him though. I didn't want to sound like a jealous girlfriend.
Then, later that same day, he ended up texting my friend, the one who "broke his heart". She of course, being as surprised as she was, told me. We were hanging out that day and he was texting both of us. He always replied to her first.
I'm not really sure if I even have the right to be jealous. I mean, he comes over and we sleep in the same bed, and he kisses me and tells me I'm pretty and that he really likes me... But I'm just so confused. It's not like we're actually "Together together". After he dumped me the first time, he couldn't even go a whole week without talking to me... And he eventually came back, after apologising many times. He says that he likes that I like him for who he is. I'm not sure if he thinks that's an excuse to be a total ass to me, because he has a tendancy to be.
Sure, I forgive him, and sometimes I tell him... And he does apologise for it occasionally, but it still gets to me and I have no idea what to do about it. I'm afraid that if one of these girls showed the slightest bit of interest in him, he would completely jump ship to be with them. Which makes me think that if I'm not sure and if it's just causing me emotional and mental frustration, why the HELL am I still willing to put up with it?
I'm not even completely sure how I actually FEEL about him. I think he's amazing, even when he's a complete asshole (If he EVER found this and read it, I think his enormous ego would increase substantually). He makes me feel beautiful even when I know I'm not. It makes me feel special when he texts me or when he comes to see me. It makes me feel like he's really trying sometimes and then other times like he couldn't care less... It's the kind of feeling that makes me want to toss him off a cliff, then after a moment of consideration, dive off the edge after him. A rather dramatic description, but oh well.
I can't use the word "Love". That word just carries to much weight for me. In past relationships, I've overused the word. I was just immature. Now, that word scares the hell out of me and I can barely even think it because I know that the word doesn't apply yet. But if I'm willing to stick around and help mop up some other girl's emotional mess, what is it called?
Love,
Me
I can't really decide if my life has become better since I started with this Tumbleweed guy or if it's become just a big ol' drama-fest... I can't really decide if I can deal with all the girls I know he's dated and still talks to... I can't decide whether or not I actually want to deal with him and his past...
Sure, I like him a lot. That's what scares me. I'm not sure if he's worth it and I really don't want to get hurt over someone who's not worth the pain.
I'm constantly waiting by my phone for him to text me, or I'm on Facebook waiting for his little green "Online" blip to come on. There isn't one hour of the day he's NOT running around in my head. It's exhausting and I hate it.
Then, there's the girls. Ohmygourd, there's the girls. He came over to see me a couple nights ago and his ex texted him. This ex is the same exact girl whom he dated for two months after trying to kiss me that one day. I was a little hurt. He didn't text her while he was at my house, but I was still not very happy about it. I didn't mention it to him though. I didn't want to sound like a jealous girlfriend.
Then, later that same day, he ended up texting my friend, the one who "broke his heart". She of course, being as surprised as she was, told me. We were hanging out that day and he was texting both of us. He always replied to her first.
I'm not really sure if I even have the right to be jealous. I mean, he comes over and we sleep in the same bed, and he kisses me and tells me I'm pretty and that he really likes me... But I'm just so confused. It's not like we're actually "Together together". After he dumped me the first time, he couldn't even go a whole week without talking to me... And he eventually came back, after apologising many times. He says that he likes that I like him for who he is. I'm not sure if he thinks that's an excuse to be a total ass to me, because he has a tendancy to be.
Sure, I forgive him, and sometimes I tell him... And he does apologise for it occasionally, but it still gets to me and I have no idea what to do about it. I'm afraid that if one of these girls showed the slightest bit of interest in him, he would completely jump ship to be with them. Which makes me think that if I'm not sure and if it's just causing me emotional and mental frustration, why the HELL am I still willing to put up with it?
I'm not even completely sure how I actually FEEL about him. I think he's amazing, even when he's a complete asshole (If he EVER found this and read it, I think his enormous ego would increase substantually). He makes me feel beautiful even when I know I'm not. It makes me feel special when he texts me or when he comes to see me. It makes me feel like he's really trying sometimes and then other times like he couldn't care less... It's the kind of feeling that makes me want to toss him off a cliff, then after a moment of consideration, dive off the edge after him. A rather dramatic description, but oh well.
I can't use the word "Love". That word just carries to much weight for me. In past relationships, I've overused the word. I was just immature. Now, that word scares the hell out of me and I can barely even think it because I know that the word doesn't apply yet. But if I'm willing to stick around and help mop up some other girl's emotional mess, what is it called?
Love,
Me